cuddling and other special moments
This post was inspired by a Reddit (r/nonmonogamy) post that I answered, but I think it’s a great topic of conversation for us sleeping-around types.
I don’t have many regrets since my husband and I began swinging almost five years ago. However, there is one thing that we read about but didn’t do: to have some “special” things that only the two of us would do together. I sort of regret not doing that. Our first time swapping with another couple, he called her “Baby,” and I did not like it. I told him afterward and we decided that he wouldn’t use that pet name with others. Over time, however, I didn’t mind any longer and that fell away naturally. Whether it is a certain position or maybe a pet name that you use, it might be nice to find or keep something special between you.
In the Reddit post I referenced, the original poster’s partner didn’t want him or her “cuddling” after sex with other people. I presume that they were wanting to keep “cuddling” special. That one, however, left me feeling torn. Yes, you can create anything you want between you and your partner—if everyone is consenting—but for me (and most Reddit commenters agreed) not cuddling would be sad (for both) and maybe even rude (to the person outside the partnership). I would not be upset, but I would find it odd if the guy I was with jumped up after and declared that he wouldn’t be allowed to cuddle. While I would, of course, honor that, it would also make me feel that their partner wasn’t truly comfortable with the whole process.
After thinking about it for this post, I recognized that I probably do cuddle differently with others than I do with my primary, but I also can’t imagine not cuddling at all. I’m one of those who likes the cuddling as much as the sex itself. Seriously. If you are a good cuddler and rub my body all over, that could be enough for me. Well, depending on the night. I also sort of feel like you haven’t lived until you’ve been in a true cuddle puddle with at least four people, and it only gets better with more. If you haven’t, try to make that happen for yourself. I’m usually not so direct in things that others should try, but this one . . . just, yes. Sorry, I’ve gotten a little side-tracked in my love of cuddling.
While it might be something to keep special, it might also be another area where there is some monogamy rewiring that could be done. There is not just 'cuddling' and 'not cuddling.' It might look the same on the outside, but cuddling does not equal in-love. I was having a conversation with a (lifestyle) friend recently and I was in emotional distress. She was supportive and said, “I wish you could come over, and I could cuddle you, and you could pour all of your fears out on me.” Right then I was like, I have the best friends in the world. I have found that there is cuddling with friends, cuddling with FWB, romantic cuddling—just like there is dinner with someone you are in love with, dinner with a friend—it's about the context of that relationship.
I also suggested to the Reddit-writer that they could try not calling it “cuddling.” They could call it “after-talk” or something else and then “cuddling” could be reserved for the partner. While I thought that suggestion might land strangely, I actually had a sex worker respond to my post and say that it was an excellent idea—she said that she does not “cuddle” with her clients, but she will “lay on their shoulder and listen to them talk.” Semantics matter.
I would love to hear from others what they think about cuddling after. In my experience, this is the norm, but perhaps there are many that find that too intimate?