I’ve been thinking about something. I’ve been thinking about Fathers I’d Like to Fuck: FILFs. There are quite a few. What I’m wondering i . . . Why is FILF not a thing? To my knowledge, and everyone that I’ve asked since I started wondering about it, this is not a thing. I’ll admit it’s a slightly awkward acronym, it sounds a bit like a word teenagers might use to describe someone who should shower more often— “Yeah, that guy is such a FILF,--- he doesn’t shower after basketball practice.” DILFs? Seen slightly more often, but it’s not for me—it screams “daddy issues” to me, and I’ve never been able to stomach the ‘daddy’ thing during sex. So, I’m sticking with FILF for the sake of this post. I have a couple ideas around why it’s not popular, but follow along and I’d love to know what you think.

MILF (Mother I’d Like to Fuck) is very popular in our culture. I know because I also use it in my own social media posts, and I see it everywhere. GILF (Grandmother I’d Like to Fuck) is also a thing, although less so. My best friend, when she learned of it, exclaimed, “When will it be over? When can I just let myself go? Now I have to be a GILF?” I found it funny and somewhat relatable, like, are we women ever going to be out of the spotlight? That’s a double-edged sword because as we get older it also stings that we naturally get less attention—just because of our age. So, I think we wear our MILF statuses as badges of honor.

A quick internet search had me learning that the history of MILF was first used in porn and that the M stood for “Mature.” Whether Mature, or Mother, I think the implication is maybe the same. American Pie, a 1999 movie, really popularized the term. So, for 20+ years it has taken on its own life. Was it then really mothers of friends, like, Stacy’s Mom (circa 2003), who were the object of teenage boy desire? So, is THAT the thing? It’s a compliment to have teenage boys find you worthy of having sex with? Because that’s weird. I think it took on its own life and started to be used for any mom who anyone would like to fuck. The swinging crowd definitely utilizes the concept this way. MILF really doesn’t imply age, as MILFs can qualify pretty early from what I can tell. Maybe it’s only in my own middle-aged world that MILF is a badge of honor, because we expect to fall out of favor at some point? Maybe it’s so because there’s supposed to be something less attractive about a woman once she has had children? Because that’s honestly weird too.

My first thought as to why FILF isn’t a thing is maybe because it’s kind of creepy to say that Stacy’s dad (using dad here only because it fits the song) has got it going on. But why? Is it because older men are usually seen as predators, if anything (sorry, but sexual abuse stats speak for themselves) and not the object of teenage desire? The bigger truth might be, however, the overriding cultural assumption that “boys will be boys.” That boys think about sex more. That boys will want to fuck anything—including Stacy’s mom. I mean, at least she does have it going on. Even for MILFs, in that context, I think the desire is one-way, so there’s no implication that any of these MILFs would actually partake in Stacy’s friends because THAT would be creepy. So, if there’s no implication of that, then same for FILFs, it’s just a statement that men, after they are fathers, can still be hot and desired. Even by teenage girls, who are as interested in sex as teenage boys and likely having as much sex as teenage boys. So, I can only conclude that maybe FILF seems inappropriate, but MILF is fine? I’m pretty sure any FILF would be flattered too. Maybe that’s why we don’t use it—because they might act on it—like what almost happened in American Beauty. So, we can’t acknowledge a man’s hotness because ultimately, we don’t trust them to not let that go to their heads? Also, weird.

My second theory is simply: objectification. We objectify women in our culture, not men. Women should be so lucky to attain MILF status because otherwise they fall out of favor completely. MILF is one way we tell women: everyone’s looking, and you are still desirable. The reason that’s so dicey is because we are also “told,” from a very young age that this is where our worth lies. Be attractive, be a MILF, be a GIL . . . and your worth continues. The same doesn’t seem to be true for men so there’s no need to call out the ones who have “made it.” Men are sexy and desirable forever, so no need to call it out? Um, so obviously not true. More like, we aren’t really paying attention, so get fat, be a slob. . . just make money and marry a MILF and you’ve made it. Men’s worth is simply not placed on their looks to the same degree. Yes, attractive people have been proven to be more successful than unattractive, and taller more so than shorter. So, yes, we are pretty shallow as a culture, but still, I don’t think we can argue that women’s looks are not more tied to her value than for men.

In the swinger community, this is observed and discussed more. Most hetero women who start in the lifestyle are aghast at the discrepancy between so many couples—unattractive men with very attractive women. It’s not just genetic— men let themselves go more often than women do—pretty much because of that worth thing. In the lifestyle I’ve seen some men’s confidence plummet for this reason—suddenly their “value” in the lifestyle does depend more on their looks. They come to me and ask how they manage that. I generally recommend taking better care of themselves. It’s that simple and that is how women do it. Yes, we have make-up, so that’s an advantage, but that’s a very small part of it, really. We grow up learning how to look our best. There are definitely men who do take care of themselves and age well. That would be, I think, the definition of a FILF then, right? The badge of honor for the aging man? I propose we make FILF a thing.

While the feminist side of me hesitates to promote something as looks-based as MILF or FILF, I do also support MILFs and FILFs of all types—as does, I would suggest—the generally body-positive lifestyle community. I know for a fact that there are a range of MILFs and FILFs that we would all like to fuck that don’t conform to model-standards, so I say, this June, for Father’s Day, post ‘em! #FILF