When hubs and I were considering getting into the lifestyle, I called a friend whom I knew had experience with it, and while I knew it didn’t work for them, I valued her opinion. I asked her what she thought. “Am I crazy?” I asked.

Without answering the “Am I crazy” part, she said, “The couples we know that do it well communicate about everything.” She drew out each syllable: ev-er-ee-thing. “They talk about everything, ad naaaauseum,” she added. I laughed at her exaggeration of this point. Over and over, however, I have heard her voice in my head as a truism on my journey in the lifestyle.

When couples are considering getting into ethical non-monogamy (ENM), in whatever capacity, one of the benefits they read about and get excited for is that it brings couples closer together. While that is more of an outcome and not really a reason on its own, it is a reported benefit (OPEN Community Survey Report, 2023). So, why do couples grow closer while living the lifestyle? Most cite improvements in communication. Everyone says, “Our communication increased ten-fold,” when they talk about getting into it. The same was true for my husband and me. What do we all mean by that? Communication seems like a broad term. Let’s dive into it.

Communication is two things: giving voice to one’s thoughts and listening to another’s, interchangeably. First, voicing: the sharing of one’s important thoughts, feelings, and ideas as honestly and as freely as one can in the moment. I say “important” because we don’t need to communicate all of our thoughts, feelings, and emotions (more on that later). I also add “in the moment” because thoughts, feelings, and emotions can often change, so what we are expressing today may not be how we feel later. A communication update may be in order, or, “constant communication,” as my friend was basically saying.

Second, listening: the other side of communication is hearing the other person’s message. Not just listening but leaving the other person feeling heard. Maybe even understood. At a basic level, we talk to one another all day long. “I hate it when you leave the cap off the toothpaste.” “Can you pick the kids up from school today because I have that big presentation at work?” “What do you want to do this weekend?” Our partners respond (or react) however they will respond (or react) and then we in turn respond (or react), and we go about our day.

What if we stopped to really listen? What if we stopped for a moment and said, “I don’t understand why you hate it so much that I leave the cap off the toothpaste, why is that?” And then we listened without responding or reacting but listened to learn (a new term I’ve learned lately and like a lot). To learn what it represents to them, or what memories it conjures (did they grow up in a chaotic household?). What if you just listened and didn’t react or judge? You might think it’s ridiculous to have such strong feelings about it (still), but now you know where the feeling is coming from and likely even figure out that it’s not personal.

What I often say to couples is that getting on the same page does not always mean agreeing with one another but understanding one another. Once a person feels heard, they are more likely to respond in turn, asking you your feelings about it, and hopefully they will listen to learn too. Maybe you have your own reasons why you don’t like to put the cap back on the tube of toothpaste. Maybe you just hate having to take it off every single time. Or maybe you don’t like to be told what to do after your parents micromanaged you for so many years. Or maybe you don’t even notice that you do it. After all of this, you’ll get your own toothpaste tubes, your partner will stop having so many “feelings” about the toothpaste cap, or you’ll decide to put it back on. But at the end of the day, you communicated — not that you dislike something that your partner does — but why you dislike it, and you can come to some agreement.

This kind of conversation also gives you and your partner the opportunity to have both emotional transparency and emotional vulnerability in your communication. With emotional transparency, you look inward and share openly what you are feeling with your partner (Why do I hate it? Where does that come from?). It’s not just that we communicate more, it’s that we share more. We share ourselves more. I love this section, from Charisse Glenn, in her blog post entitled Emotional Transparency Starts with Ourselves:

“To know one’s self is a series of undoings. Transparency is not about calling out others; it is about being curious about ourselves and calling out ourselves. Likewise, being emotionally transparent is about us; it is not a forum to tell your partner how they need to be or to change.”

Emotional vulnerability is the ability to open yourself up more fully to your partner by telling them the reasons you feel the way you do, even if you are afraid they sound ridiculous and don’t know how they will react.

Vulnerability could be defined as “a willingness to take a risk to show emotions and provide honest expression despite fears.” (https://psychcentral.com/relationships/the-good-kind-of-vulnerability#vulnerability-defined)

 Combining emotional transparency with emotional vulnerability leads to greater intimacy and deeper connection. Sharing our true feelings, feeling heard, and hopefully being understood, this is what the lifestyle is like—communicating to a level of understanding about everything, ad naaaaauseum. Learning to listen to learn—it’s not always a natural skill.

Why this happens more naturally in the lifestyle, I believe, is two-fold:

1. You are talking about more emotionally vulnerable things. Talking about over-bearing parents and toothpaste caps is one thing. Looking inward and talking about insecurities and fears of your partner finding someone else to love, that’s next level.

2. You are discussing things that are (most often) very new for both of you. It’s emotionally unchartered territory so it feels risky, even scary, and you are doing it together.

From the very first lifestyle conversation, this begins. I want to approach my partner about ethical non-monogamy (ENM). Why? The internal reflection helps you understand why and what is important to share with your partner. The transparency piece is being honest with yourself and then your partner. If your truth is that you are interested because you want more sex, then say so. If you share with your partner that you want to do it for the social scene, then you aren’t being transparent, you are saying what you think they want to hear. At the point of bringing up your true reasons, there is emotional risk. There is fear in how our partner may react. Expressing our interest is vulnerable—will they judge me? Probably, maybe? Will this upset them? Probably, maybe?

The flip side is that when you do bring it up to your partner, they are emotionally vulnerable by allowing you to see how they feel about it. Then, if you “hold space” for all those emotions—both of you allowing each other your expression without blaming or judging —you both feel emotionally safer. That is why, even from the first conversations, you may end up feeling closer.

If this sounds complicated or hard, it is. This is why I like to call ENM: Advanced Relationshipping. These are skills that everyone gets better at when practicing ENM in healthy ways. The way you get better at it, actually, is by not always doing it so well. Then there is repair, which can also bring more intimacy. When you do get better, that’s emotional growth. Emotional growth together—that’s intimacy. That is why communication and transparency are important and why we grow closer. Well, besides all of the growth that comes from discovering our sexual selves, but that is for another article.