These are my suggestions for exploration both online and in the real-world.

Books & Articles: There are a plethora of articles and books on the subject. Also check out the websites to some of the popular Lifestyle resorts and clubs (Just for Fun). You’ll get a sense of the vibe. I suggest sending the articles that you find to each other and then setting aside some time each week (date night!) to discuss what you both found interesting, or not. Hot, or not. I guarantee you’ll start to learn more about your partner already.

Lifestyle “dating” sites. Create an account (you don’t have to do anything with it yet) and start perusing profiles. You can get a feel for the profile pictures (that you may eventually want to share) and descriptions of what people are looking for. What you’ll also find on these sites are events, hotel-takeovers and advertisements for people like me! Here are a few to get you started. There are some regionals ones also so this is not a complete list. Hint: when you do create a profile, use the same name across sites for your own sanity and so people can recognize you. (recognize us?? We don’t want to be recognized! You do. See How Do We Maintain Anonymity below)

• SDC - Swingers Dating Club, but everyone knows it by its acronym.

• SLS - Swing LifeStyle, but again, everyone just uses the acronym.

• Kasidie

• Lifestyle Lounge

• Swingular (Utah specific)

Jump in to an event or sex club. Most major cities have sex clubs (also see, How Do Sex Clubs Work, below). Most clubs hold specific events, which tend to be busier nights. Some may even host newbie nights. Caveat: you’ll be surrounded by swingers of all different experience levels so there might be a lot to take in. That’s fine.. you can process it for weeks if need be! If a club is not very busy, it can feel a bit awkward and off-putting, so you might have to go a couple of times. A note to the shy (like me): swingers / lifestyle folks are extremely open and friendly. If you approach and introduce yourselves or even tell people you are new, MOST will be happy to welcome you in and answer some of your questions. Also, swingers are generally there to meet other swingers who play, so, be respectful of their time and don’t be offended if they move on.

how do I convince my partner to consider lifestyle?

Well, you don’t. There is no “convincing” or “persuading” your partner to do this. There is, however, exploring and getting curious together. If your partner is not open enough to the idea to explore, even online, then you might be done. Swinging is not for everyone. The better conversation to have, then, might be what one of you is looking to create with lifestyle and what you want to get from the relationship that you might feel is missing. There might be another way to create excitement, adventure, sexual adventure, etc.. Otherwise, see my suggestions in How Do We Investigate Lifestyle as a Couple, above.

how do we maintain our Anonymity?

I am not sure if I can save you some time and anxiety or if this is a process everyone has to go through for themselves, but let me try. You will probably be terrified of running into friends or neighbors on a site, or of generally being found out. You’ll use fake names. Then, as you get into things, you’ll realize that it’s pretty unlikely you’ll bump into or even run across others you know on the sites, and more importantly, if you do, then you are both being discovered at the same time. You’ll get really tired of the fake-name thing and that will get dropped pretty early on. Don’t underestimate the complexity of keeping a cover - a lifestyle friend of ours posted a picture of herself where she was wearing her work uniform that had a nametag. oops. This is different than being open about being in the Lifestyle - that’s another story (see Who Can We Tell?)- within the community, though, you are safe. Discretion is a value for everyone because, unfortunately, consensual non-monogamy is at the bottom of the list for society acceptance (in the US). Anyway, let me end this by saying, when my husband and I got into this we were very concerned about running into friends and neighbors on the sites, or even when out on a date (that seems really silly now) - what if we then saw them on the street!? After about a year, we started saying that we wished that all of our neighbors were lifestyle - how convenient that would be!

How do sex clubs work?

All will have nuances and they will likely describe their process or rules on their website. Sometimes it is helpful to pay for a membership before you get there. They all have membership pricing to get in and then either have their own bar or BYOB, so be sure to check. Generally speaking, there is a ‘front of the house’ with a dancefloor, food (some), bar and socializing. {Dress code is always ‘dress to impress’ but will range from vanilla to lingerie. If there is a ‘back of the house,’ you might be required to lose the clothes - towels are provided and an option (and useful for obvious reasons) for men and lingerie is an option for women. Some clubs are not so separate so just be prepared to see lots of nudity, foreplay and sex. Our first time to a club I didn’t drink anything and we didn’t talk to another sole - the definition of “nervous newbies.” We did, however, do lots of observing and had sex several times, just the two of us. First in a private room with the door closed, later with the door open and then at the end of the night, in the middle of the room. Yep, middle of the room. Just go with few expectations and some agreements of what you are and are not willing to do that night. Have fun!

What about jealousy?

So, what about jealousy? This is probably a longer conversation - one that is great to have in a coaching session. In the mean time, jealousy may or may not happen. At some point it probably will. I invite you to look at jealousy just as I will invite you to look at all of the emotions that will come up in Lifestyle: with curiosity. Getting curious about our feelings (and not blaming our partner for them) is probably one of the most helpful skills that you will develop if you choose to be CNM. Don’t worry, you don’t have to be an expert at all of this today. At the risk of being cliché, it’s a journey. In this case, what a fun one it can be.