Three Tips to Start Your ENM Journey
They say, and I agree, that the start of any project is the hardest part. This is a question I get a lot, “We are both interested, but how do we start?” Transitioning your marriage or monogamous relationship to a non-monogamous relationship is one big project, if you will. It might be even harder to start this project than others because of the seemingly—and real—high emotional stakes. Starting a new diet or a new business seems easy in comparison!
You start non-monogamy the same way you start anything: you plan an action and execute it. You learn from it and then you plan the next action. A woman wrote recently and said they were having trouble starting, that they had been to a house party and were discussing some other parties, but they weren’t sure what they were doing. “You are already doing it,” I responded, “Having an experience, any experience, and then talking about it and planning your next—you’ve already started.” It got me thinking how swinging can feel like you are on the outside and not really “doing it” until you are “doing it” with another couple. I would say that just talking about it to some degree has you already doing it. Having the difficult and awkward conversations can bring the same benefits that non-monogamy itself does—making you feel more vulnerable, feeling heard and seen, being accepted by your partner, and then feeling closer because of that. For those of you wanting more, here are my top three tips for getting out there and starting your non-monogamous adventures.
1. Get on the same page.
This advice is, admittedly, annoying. It’s like saying, “just let it go.” I hate that phrase. For something that sounds so simple, it’s incredibly complex. It’s like working through an emotionally complex reaction—or in this case, getting two human beings to understand each other, talking about something neither one of them knows much about, and saying, “just do this.” In reality it’s tricky!
To break it down a bit more, answer the WHY and the WHAT. Why non-monogamy for you? What burning desire (or just curiosity) are you looking to satisfy? Is it more sex? Is it sexual variety and adventure? All of the above? OR is it just the social scene that appeals the most (though the sex part is maybe intriguing)?
Here is a list of some of the benefits that non-monogamous folks are reporting these days (from OPEN’s Community Survey 2023). Hopefully this will help you get thinking about what appeals the most to you. Even if you are not attracted to it for the same reasons, or one of you is more attracted to it than the other, understanding where your partner is at is still getting onto the same page. Now for the list:
Benefits Reported from Practicing Non-Monogamy
· Sexual variety or fulfillment
· Personal growth and fulfillment
· More love and intimacy in life
· Access to a wider network of friends, family, and community
· Strengthened an existing relationship
· Alternative to a negative experience with monogamy
· Material support (help with childcare, financials, etc.)
One CAVEAT: improving current relationships is a biproduct of non-monogamy, it’s not a good REASON to get into it. If that’s all you are interested in, find a therapist or a coach and take up rock-climbing or any new (slightly risky) activity together and you might be able to accomplish that.
2. Work at keeping your relationship foundation solid: Sweat the small stuff.
What does this have to do with starting ENM? Well, everything. ENM will test the foundation of your relationship so before you start down the path, you will want to assess the current state of things. Below are a few easy steps for fortification.
The relationship training that I have done is The Gottman Method©, researched and taught by Drs. John and Julie Gottman. One of the things they say is that in many areas of life we are told, “Don’t sweat the small stuff.” Well, they purport, love is all about the small stuff. The tiny interactions that make up, well, a life together! They have studied hundreds of couples over decades of time, deeming them “masters” or “disasters” and documenting the habits of each. If I had to summarize all their work into one idea (which they might really cringe at, btw), I would say it boils down to: Be kind and generous to your partner most of the time. When you aren’t: repair, forgive (forgiveness is part of generosity), and move on. Simple? It’s kind of like my first tip, it sounds simple, but how do you do it? Here are a few pointers (more can be learned in my workshop, Advanced Relationshipping):
a) Respond positively about 80% of the time when your partner puts out a “bid for connection.” A bid for connection can be as simple as, “Look at the sunset, isn’t it pretty?” to a more direct “I’ve been frustrated with our schedules lately and would like some one-on-one time together.” A positive response is as simple as looking out the window and saying, “Yes, it is pretty,” or, “I know work is super busy, I would like to connect with you too, it just seems so hard to find the time sometimes.” For the 20% or less of the time when you respond with, “I’ve seen sunsets before” or “Work is stressful, please don’t place another demand on me.” Just come back later and ask for a do-over. If you’re practicing generosity, they’ll give it to you.
b) Create some “rituals of connection.” These rituals can be anything that brings the two of you together without distraction. It could be 15 minutes after dinner with tea or a glass of wine to learn about what’s going on with your partner. You can share things like stressors or happy things from the day. It could be snuggle time—sitting on the couch and leaning into one another and stroking each other’s hair. When there are small children, this can sound difficult, but finding any time to connect, and doing it regularly, can do wonders for feeling like you can be kind and generous with your partner. I have other coach-friends who are absolute masters at “rituals of connection.” They have morning rituals, night-time rituals (when they are together—they both travel a lot), weekly rituals, monthly rituals . . . you get the idea. You don’t have to go to an extreme, but it could also be fun to try. :) Once you are practicing ENM, I suggest a ritural of re-connection after every experience (maybe the next morning) where you share with each other what you did like, what you didn’t like and your “polaroid moment.”
c) You’ve likely heard this last one before because it has become part of our popular culture, but this is real and important. I don’t like to give instructions like, “don’t do this” because then our brain hears, “do this.” So, after you read this list, come back and read “be kind and generous,” because really, we should all avoid doing these: criticism (attacking a person’s character), contempt (disrespect, sarcasm, mockery, eye-rolling), defensiveness (I know I did, but look at you), and stonewalling (turning away in silence for an undetermined amount of time). Again, we all have our not-so-great moments, so when we do these things, apologize, forgive, and move on. Conflict management is going to become important in your ENM journey. With the complexities of ENM it is only natural to have more conflict. That is not a bad thing at all in itself - it’s only bad if you don’t manage it well.
3. Take baby Steps.
I know, I know. We all have the friends who jumped into the deep end and became swingers overnight. I’m not saying it can’t or doesn’t happen. I’m just saying, if you have concerns, and if you are reading this article you probably do or you’d be jumping into the deep end right now, then baby steps can be helpful. Safety—mostly emotional safety (physical safety is important but doesn’t tie in so much with baby steps)—is the name of this game.
While we are all signing up for getting outside of our comfort zone, baby steps look more like getting “just outside” of our comfort zone. When things go well, or at least not horribly (there’s a saying within the lifestyle, “we’ll try anything twice” for that reason), we will expand our comfort zone to that new, “just outside the previous” spot. IF, however, we go WAY outside of our comfort zone, and it does not go well, that can create fear and then our comfort zone actually contracts to a smaller zone than it was before. If we go way outside and it goes well, then you have one of “those friends” who jumped in the deep end and did it overnight. Generally speaking though, there is value in taking baby steps, getting comfortable, and building trust. Baby steps can involve going to events just to observe, just dancing, flirting, kissing, or filling-in-the-blank with your comfort level. This is really where the plan-execute-learn-plan cycles begin. Then you are doing it.
In summary, open communication (even if it’s awkward), a solid relationship foundation, and planning baby steps can get you out there and started on your non-monogamy adventure. Remember that with any adventure there are moments of, “Uhhh, we didn’t plan for this . . .” It doesn’t mean you should not have gone on the trip; it just means there is a challenge. Working through those hiccups is what brings about the by-product of feeling closer and improving relationships.
If you are interested in a personally guided experience, check out my four-week course, How to Start Swinging. If you’ve hit a snag and would like someone to talk to, I’m here and my schedule is available for booking.