Monogamy, Non-Monogamy and Conscious Choice
I’ve been a guest on several vanilla podcasts recently and Conscious Choice is a topic that I often speak about. This is geared towards a vanilla audience, but still an interesting conversation for us, who have made this conscious choice around relationship. It is an angle that opens the door to more conversation – monogamy isn’t bad, it just isn’t often a conscious choice.
Have you ever questioned why we choose monogamy? Are we actively choosing it, or are we simply following the script laid out for us? Most of us grew up in a culture where monogamy is the default. From childhood movies to societal norms, the idea of finding “the one” and sticking with them for life is ingrained in us. We rarely stop to question it because it feels natural—it’s what we’ve always known. This, despite the statistics about divorce and that very often, it’s not “the one,” but the one for this chapter of our lives. There is nothing wrong with that, per se, except that people then think that they have failed at monogamy. Beyond the emotional challenges, our culture and legal system is set up to make divorce difficult and expensive.
Here’s the thing: by exploring or even just knowing about non-monogamy, you can actually reinforce your commitment to monogamy—if that’s what feels right to you. Most of us enter monogamous relationships because it's the norm, but when you take the time to consider other options, like ethical non-monogamy (ENM), it shifts your perspective.
One of the most eye-opening parts of exploring non-monogamy is realizing just how many misconceptions there are about it. Many people think it’s all about casual sex, avoiding commitment, or not wanting to “settle down”—but that is far from truth. Ethical non-monogamy (ENM) is a term that covers both swinging and polyamory and already those can be quite different in intention and lifestyle. Both, however, are rooted in clear communication, mutual respect, and a deep commitment, not only to a partner(s), but also to transparency and honesty. It’s about creating relationships that works for everyone involved, based on open dialogue and shared agreements.
By learning what non-monogamy really is—beyond the stereotypes—you’ll gain a clearer understanding of how it’s built on the same foundational values as any healthy relationship. That knowledge alone can help dispel fears and misgivings, giving you and your partner the space to have authentic conversations about what feels right for you, whether that’s non-monogamy or monogamy.
When you start thinking about non-monogamy—even if you don’t pursue it—it opens your mind to the possibilities of what relationships can look like. Non-monogamy challenges the idea that one person has to meet all your needs for life and it can also challenge the beliefs we have about sexual relations. This shift in perspective often helps couples have more meaningful conversations about their relationship, needs, and expectations. By considering, or even just learning about non-monogamy, you give yourself and your partner the freedom to explore what’s best for you, rather than what society says is right.
For many, probably even most, that journey brings them back to monogamy, but this time, it’s a conscious, empowered choice. Then you can ask the next question, “Do we think we are doing monogamy well?” The success metric for monogamy is not just staying together, it’s feeling fulfilled – knowing and discussing with your partner that you are choosing them over and over again. Choosing monogamy after learning about other relationship structures gives your commitment a new depth. You’re not just doing it because that’s the default—you’re doing it because you’ve explored, reflected, and decided it’s what works for you. I call this conscious monogamy.
If monogamy still feels in line with you as a couple, but you recognize that the relationship isn’t really as healthy as you would like, then great! That’s a great realization to have because then you can work together to create something that fulfills you both within the monogamous construct. In the end, it’s not about choosing the “right” relationship structure—it’s about choosing what’s right for you and that choice, made with intention, is empowering.