Even better

I’ve been meaning to write a blog post about one of the topics in my book—something to tie into promoting it—but today, I feel more inspired to write about the writing of a book instead.

“I think I wrote this book just for me,” I said to my therapist. “Did I just write this book for me?”

He smiled.

Writing a book is an exercise in contradiction. While I was writing For Better or Even Better, I constantly vacillated between two opposing thoughts:

No one is ever going to read this, so it doesn’t matter, and

OMG—what if people actually read this?!

It was like a seesaw of excitement and terror. But from listening to interviews with other authors, I knew this was completely normal. So I let my thoughts run wild and kept calm and carried on.

Now that my book is out, the seesaw continues. Some days, I’m overwhelmed with gratitude that even one person has read it. Other days, I’m disappointed that it hasn’t reached millions (to be fair, it’s only been out for a month—so millions might be a little unrealistic).

This morning, while hiking, I was listening to We Can Do Hard Things—one of my absolute favorite podcasts. If you can’t afford therapy, just listen to that podcast regularly. It’s basically free therapy. A listener had sent in a question about the link between creativity and anxiety/depression, which led Glennon Doyle (author of Untamed, which I LOVE) down a discussion about the connection between artists and suffering.

Sidenote: Glennon and I share an Enneagram type (4) and the designation of Highly Sensitive Person. If you know about either of these things, you’ll understand when I say: It’s a lot, emotionally speaking. Enneagram expert Suzanne Stabile once said (on said podcast) that of all nine types, she believes 4s have the hardest time being human. My husband may rightfully argue that it’s also the hardest human to live with.

I’m not saying this for sympathy. I share it because the point that Glennon makes resonated with me: those of us who struggle more with being in the world often have a unique ability to explain how the world could be better. Not just for ourselves—but for everyone.

There’s an undeniable link between creativity and struggle. As Glennon suggests, very often creativity is the coping mechanism for struggle. The greater the struggle (often seen as depression and anxiety), the greater the creative genius, it seems. I have noticed this to be particularly true for comedians. It is often surprising to learn of the struggles of someone who seems at ease in front of a crowd and making everyone laugh. In my opinion, they are the most vulnerable of all artists. Their craft requires them to test their material live, in real time, in front of an audience. That level of risk and exposure? Brutal. But really, what is a comedian’s job but to see how /where things could or should be different – and where humans struggle - and point them out in a funny way – to make the idea of these differences more palatable. To make more palatable that which we do and how much we struggle.

Glennon said this in a way that really hit home: Art is created in the space between what we know is possible and what exists today. Art is the coping mechanism for the internal conflict of what we know is possible (vision) and what exists today.

That is what writing this book felt like for me. This idea of seeing more is exactly why I wrote For Better or Even Better. So then, what I’m realizing is that what matters isn’t how many people read it, but who reads it and how deeply it resonates with them.

I see how our culture has misled us about monogamy and non-monogamy. People are fed false narratives about both, leading most to never make a truly conscious choice about monogamy, how to do monogamy, or even that non-monogamy is a viable option.

But when we explore relationships with more awareness and intention, monogamy can be even better. And by considering options beyond monogamy, non-monogamy can open doors to experiences and connections that could make life and relationships even better.

So, in the end, I guess this is a promotion for my book:

For Better or Even Better: 7 Lessons on Love & Life from a Non-Monogamist.

Get your copy today. 😊