Openly undefined
The Heart & Soul of Non-Monogamy
ABOUT
Ethical non-monogamy takes on many “forms”… polyamory, swinging, open marriage and everything in between. The thing about going non-traditional is that it gives you liberty to create what you want. Well, as long as everyone is aware and everyone is consenting. My husband and I classify as swingers, or in “the lifestyle.” We’ve met swingers who do swing, but don’t ‘identify’ with that term. We’ve met polyamorous couples who swing, and those who don’t. Actually, I have found that most open-relationship folks don’t really like to define themselves…it’s that whole non-traditional thing. The one thing we all have in common is being “open” to one degree or another. Open can be ridiculous amounts of fun. Open can be obscene amounts of sexiness. Open can also be complex. This is a blog about all of it.
If you find yourself unfamiliar with some of the terminology (common at first), here’s a Glossary of Terms to help.
To Tell or Not to Tell
When people get into the lifestyle (LS), they are concerned about anonymity. This is normal, of course, because this is not exactly a generally-accepted practice. People fear they will be discovered by someone they know. Also, when anyone first gets into this, they are not sure they will stay in it, so no need to expose themselves. We all fear not only judgement, but ramifications in our personal and professional lives. Many start with fake names, at least on their profiles, maybe even upon meeting. Profiles are filled with pictures of us with emoji smiley faces covering our own, until we trust someone enough to send them ‘face pics.’ We are all pretty equally scared of being discovered so discretion is a primary value of our tribe.
My annals of anal
I would like to point out the incredible journey that anal sex has made in our culture. From something taboo and almost never talked about outside the context of gay men when I was sexually coming-of-age (teenage years), to now where it seems fairly common and openly spoken about, at least in the context of sex conversations. Maaaybe that’s because I’m a swinger, but I don’t think so as I often see it in popular culture. My personal journey with it has been similar in that I didn’t know about it, to never imagined myself having it, to totally enjoying it. That only took 30-ish years, with most of it happening within the last five. Perhaps similar to its journey in pop culture. I know even amongst my swinger friends this is an iffier proposition, so I thought this might help some people on their own journey with it, if they are on one.
misconCeptions
We are a mature people with rights and feelings (real ones, not just lusty ones). While most of us are just trying to figure out our own way in a non-monogamous world when this isn’t what we were raised to be a part of (let’s just say there is a lot of re-programming going on over here), we are also barraged with a lot of misconceptions about us and our relationships. We might even have our own when we start out. Here are five big ones.
A queen’s buffet
I used to be in marketing, so I am very familiar with spin. Also, I like to write and believe strongly that words matter. I have never liked the term gang bang for a bunch of guys doing one woman, but a Queen’s Buffet, well, this is a story about that.
what you need to be non-monogamous
When people become interested in non-monogamy, swinging or lifestyle clubs or parties, some are concerned about what they need to be in the lifestyle. I’m here to tell you what that is.
Pussy positivity
There is sex positivity and body positivity. Well, now there’s pussy positivity. It has been a journey.
Two-in-one
I wrote this for an SDC contest, “write about your first experience,” a year after my husband and I were in the lifestyle. Now we have been in for almost five and it is interesting to re-read my perspective back then vs. now….Since sharing first experiences is a common and wonderful way to get to know each other, I thought I would kick off the blog with that story.